Experts explain when you shouldn't worry and when you should step in.
Any parent who has watched a child turn a finger into a gun to defeat evildoers or overheard a 5-year-old talking about "killing" an enemy can attest to concerns about violent play in childhood. Is it normal? Do all kids do it? Remote Control Car Race Track
I had my own moment of concern during my 5-year-old daughter's recent playdate. The girls were playing together in the backyard, and I heard delighted shrieks, much banging of sticks, and then a gleeful "I got you!" As I checked on them, I asked: "Do you need a snack when you're done getting the bad guys?" My daughter responded with a beautiful smile, "Oh no. We're the bad guys! We have guns, and we're shooting everyone in the village dead!"
It was one of those parenting crossroad moments: Do I confiscate the sticks? Tell them that killing villagers is against house rules? Call the other parents and alert them that our daughters are showing mass-homicidal tendencies?
The correct answer: None of the above, according to Jane Katch, an educator and author of Under Deadman's Skin: Discovering the Meaning of Children's Violent Play. "All children love to play good guys and bad guys because it's how they explore what it means to be powerful. And if you're a rule-following kid most of the time, it's really fun to pretend to be the bad guy."
So if your child has graduated from playing kitchen to engaging in a pretend war, you may be wondering whether those violent imaginings are healthy—and how you should respond. Here, experts share what you need to know about violent play in childhood, when it's developmentally appropriate, and when you should be concerned.
Children have long been intrigued by imaginary violence, from Hansel and Gretel being nearly eaten by a witch to Harry Potter waging life-or-death wars against evil. But as modern parents, we understandably worry about real violence like school shootings and bomb threats.
The truth is, though, pretend violence—or superhero play as it is sometimes called—is almost always normal, says Michael Thompson, PhD, a clinical psychologist, and co-author of Raising Cain. "There's no such thing as violent play. Violence is an effort to hurt someone. But play, by definition, is fun. So whatever the game is, if children are playing and nobody is frightened or hurt, then it's not violence."
Experts agree that this kind of pretend play is an essential part of learning and development. "Kids can't always verbalize their ideas, so they deal with themes that intrigue or worry them through play," says Katch.
Also, don't assume that a child's game involving guns or death means the same thing to them as it does to you. Kids can't fully grasp the permanence of death until they're between the ages of 6 and 9, says Dr. Thompson, and unless they've been directly exposed to real violence, they lack the historical and social context adults have.
When play is inspired by real experiences, however, it's even more important to see how it plays out. "If we stop the play, we halt the conversation," says Katch. Play is sometimes how children process troubling situations.
The first time my daughter engaged in gunplay, she pretended to be a pirate shooting sharks, and told me it was "so they'd stop biting people and taking their blood." It alarmed me until I remembered we'd been to the pediatrician's office that week for a blood draw. By playing it out, she was making sense of a scary experience.
If we stop the play, we halt the conversation.
"This is how kids gain mastery over confusion or fear," says Katch. You don't have to love your child's fascination with shooting or explosions, but there's no need to panic, she adds. "The worst thing we can do is give kids the sense that their fantasy life is bad or wrong."
And just as 5-year-olds who play doctor don't automatically go to medical school, violent games aren't a sign of a troubled mind, notes Dr. Thompson. "There is no study that shows a correlation—much less a causation—between childhood play and adult violence."
Research suggests that pretend aggression may have benefits. In one study, Karla K. Fehr, PhD, a psychologist who studies childhood pretend play at Southern Illinois University in Carbondale, watched preschoolers play independently, and then asked their teachers to report on levels of aggression in the classroom.
Dr. Fehr found that the kids who explored more antagonistic themes in their play were less likely to show aggression in their other daily interactions. "Those kids were more likely to share and take turns. It may be that aggressive play provides children with a way to work through their emotions."
What's more, research shows violent play in childhood supports development and learning. Not only do kids practice social skills, but they also learn to regulate their impulses. They even learn how to bargain with one another and redefine social situations, as well as how to cooperate with others.
If you notice disturbing imagery in your child's play—heads exploding, limbs ripped off—the question to ask is: Where are they getting this? The likely culprit is their media diet, where violence can crop up in unexpected ways.
Researchers from Penn State College of Medicine and the American Academy of Pediatrics found that "good guy" superheroes are often more violent than the bad guys they defeat. Studies also show that watching violent entertainment can lead to increased aggression levels, though the effect appears to be mild.
"On a scale of one to 10, if one is peaceful and 10 is homicidal, a child who sees lots of violence may go from a two to a three," says Diane Levin, PhD, a professor of early childhood education at Wheelock College, in Boston, and co-author of The War Play Dilemma.
More worrisome, though, is the way children can fixate on particular images. Even not-so-graphic screen violence can be alarming for little ones because they may not be able to distinguish between what's real and what's fake. Katch advises minimizing violent content on screens before age 8 and being judicious even with older children.
Parents of sons, in particular, should be mindful of how our culture tells boys that "violence is for them," says Dr. Levin. "Many toys, shows, and video games convey the idea that violence is a de facto part of masculinity."
This can make it harder for boys to opt out when a game goes beyond their comfort zone, or to explore play about themes that are not associated with violence. Dr. Levin suggests offering plenty of alternatives rather than banning violent content. Offer books, games, and movies with nonviolent themes alongside whatever their friends are watching. Also, let them choose the types of toys they want to play with.
Experts start to worry about violent themes if a child is repeatedly playing out a storyline that they seem stuck on and anxious about, and can't resolve, says Dr. Fehr. "In that situation, you could help your child come up with a resolution to the story."
For example, could the hero develop a superpower to defeat the bad guy? Can a new character, like a doctor, come in to help save a character who keeps getting hurt? If the play is linked to a traumatic experience, or your child has been exposed to real violence, consider finding a therapist to help your child process their feelings.
You'll also want to take action if the play involves the kind of aggression that hurts someone. That may be a sign that your child is having trouble regulating emotions and impulses. It's worth mentioning to your pediatrician if you often see your child engaging in violence without a storyline attached—such as bashing one toy into another, over and over again.
You should also take note if you think your child is struggling to differentiate between fantasy and reality or if they're exhibiting true violent tendencies toward pets or younger children. With older children, pay attention to whether the violent story themes are targeting one particular child, says Katch. "Elementary-school girls, especially, can use pretend play as a way to exclude children or even disguise bullying."
Keep in mind that persistent irritability in kids can be a sign of depression while a lack of impulse control can be a sign of ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). You should talk to your child's pediatrician if your child seems to favor violence as a way to solve problems, even when you have tried to steer them in another direction.
Of course, just because pretend violence is usually healthy doesn't mean you should ignore it completely, says Dr. Levin. "It's important to stay connected to your child's activities."
Understanding the themes and topics that fascinate your child can give you a peek into what's on their mind, whether it's the popular new video game or how they felt about the latest lockdown drill at school.
Your primary job is to make sure that the play stays safe and consensual. Even when a game starts out fun, kids may become frightened by their own (super-powerful!) imaginations or by physical aspects like chasing and wrestling that get too intense.
Dr. Thompson says that's all the more reason to keep an open mind: "If you go in and shut down their game, children can become defensive or sneak around. But if you start by appreciating what's fun about the game, they'll be more willing to admit if it's scaring them a bit."
Also, remember you can't keep your kid in a bubble. While we'd all prefer that our children never know about things like terrorism or school shootings, the talks these events inspire can be opportunities to do some of our best parenting.
I didn't save the villagers from my daughter's playdate massacre, but I've started asking more questions about the stories she's exploring in her play. "Kids are going to be exposed to this stuff, so we need to be connected with them around it," says Dr. Levin. "Otherwise, they'll think they can't talk to us about these things." And that's the real danger.
Supporting Superhero Play in Child Care: Concerns and Benefits. Michigan State University, MSU Extension.
How Children Understand Death & What You Should Say. American Academy of Pediatrics.
The Power of Play: A Pediatric Role in Enhancing Development in Young Children. American Academy of Pediatrics.
Aggression in Pretend Play and Aggressive Behavior in the Classroom. Early Education and Development.
Aggression in Pretend Play and Aggressive Behavior in the Classroom. Early Education & Development. 2013.
Children's Rough-and-Tumble Play in a Supportive Early Childhood Education and Care Environment. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2021.
Good Guys in Superhero Films More Violent Than Villains. American Academy of Pediatrics. 2018.
TV Violence and Children. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. 2017.
Wooden Chess Set Children and Violent Behavior: Where It Comes From and What to Do. CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder).